I was 22 years young and fell in love fast with the most amazing man in the world. He would sneak away at work to call me just to say “I love you”, he sent flowers just because, we talked for hours, he stopped me mid-stride to give me a peck on the forehead or cheek, he listened when I talked, we were best friends.
We got engaged. I got scared and tried to find out how far I can push him before he ran away. But he didn’t run away; I did. We reunited after a few weeks and, oops, unplanned pregnancy. He swore we would be a family but seemed awfully detached. He left me in a parking lot 3 months pregnant and I didn’t hear from him until a month later. I found out he slept with multiple other females, went to lots of bars, didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant, never called and only texted to ask me when I was going to the doctor again.
When our daughter was born, he tried to work things out with me immediately – I said “NO WAY!”. He backed off and I dated here and there. I got a great job, bought a house and went on with my life.
He started being that sweet guy I once knew but I was not healed enough to let him back in; until he kept trying for over a year, faithfully pursuing me and charming me. I caved and let him back in. It didn’t take long for the “disconnect” to set in again. He says all the right things but actions speak louder than words. He just doesn’t do those things he once did that made me feel so loved.
I have forgiven him but the hurt is still there. I love him and I want my family together but when I ask for security and reassurance he just seems to get irritated instead of being understanding and supportive. When there is an issue to be resolved he only says, “I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU!”, very rudely.
My heart hurts all over again. I’m feeling discouraged, let down, crushed, alone. So, why did he go to all the trouble of wiggling back into my self-sufficient life if he was just going to end up treating me like the invisible woman again? Please help!
No Longer Young, but Obviously Still Dumb
Dear No Longer…
First and foremost, please be gentle with yourself. I’ve heard from many women who’s struggled with similar experiences (yes, including myself). That doesn’t make us “dumb”… it means our reaction to this type of treatment is NORMAL.
This is where we lose our footing… we know how good it feels when they’re focusing their attention on us (hot). So when they suddenly take it away (cold), we try to figure out what we may have done wrong and stress over how to get that spark back. But based on personal experience, I can tell you it’s not you – it’s him.
they clearly do not have.
You said you’ve forgiven him… now I want you to forgive him for not being able to be the man you DESERVE. Here’s the important part: don’t take this step as a “victim”, but as a woman with SELF RESPECT.
You’ve already proven to yourself that you have the power to create a wonderful life for you and your child… a great job, your own home, the strength to move on with your life. You owe it to yourself to “clean house” and keep your space filled only with love and positivity. Please don’t allow people who could care less about your happiness… to make a mess out of YOUR hard work!
Here’s what always works for me: I ask myself what I would tell my child if his significant other was treating him the same way. If it’s not good enough for your baby… it certainly is NOT good enough for you! Remember, your child learns by example… teach her how she should be treated by choosing someone who will CONSISTENTLY love, respect, and adore YOU.
You deserve to be happy beyond your wildest dreams! So my challenge for you is to know your SELF WORTH, appreciate your VALUE, and secure the life & happiness that YOU DESERVE for yourself again.
P.S. Lemme know what you think!
Carmen is a mom, life strategist, religion teacher, best selling author, advice columnist, foodie wannabe, and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. She is currently living la vida loca in Vegas with her not-so-little human… prepping him for med school while pseudo-adulting, Tahitian dancing, and exploring the delicious world of bubble tea *woo!*