What Just Happened?
I’ve interacted with individuals diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder… I’ve coached clients who wanted to be free from attachment to narcissistic parents…
But this is the first time I’ve experienced a deep, intimate relationship with someone who potentially suffers from this disorder… and it has to be THE MOST horrendously exhausting mind-funkery I’ve been dragged through.
He rushed straight to my heart at full strength and speed, magically manifesting as my soulmate… he made me feel completely supported, understood, loved, and accepted like no one ever has… it felt like we’ve known each other forever. We quickly fell helplessly in love… building a relationship with each other’s children… and planning every detail of our forever. Then he slowly started chipping away at my heart & mind with chisels dipped in insanity, as he spoke reassuring words of love with a smile on his face. And once he twisted me into something I didn’t recognize, he walked away and resumed his life with a new partner as if our relationship never happened…
To victims… survivors… and those who suffer from this virtually incurable disorder… I send my love and prayers.
For each stage, I share as much as possible from my own recent experiences to offer validation for survivors… resources I’ve found helpful… and warnings/lessons I’ve identified about that stage.
This is “Stage One: Idealization“ (soul-mating). The we proceed to “Stage Two: Devaluation“ (breaking Carmen), “Stage Three: Discard” (the split), and finally, the “Steps to Recovery” I am taking to try and heal from this dreadful experience as quickly as possible.
Attached are texts I kept for my own reference (…more of why later…. most images can be enlarged by clicking on them) to give you a BASIC IDEA of what “love bombing” during the first stage (idealization) of the relationship looks like.
If you believe you may be in a relationship with a narcissistic personality disordered person, please raise your awareness about this disorder and the damages commonly inflicted by being in an intimate relationship with narcissists (including Stockholm syndrome, cognitive dissonance and disassociation, C-PTSD/PTSD, self-harm, and suicide.)
If you recognize the signs but you’re still in a place of denial, don’t just take my word for it. Read as much about “narcissistic relationships” as you can… ignorance is NOT bliss and you have a responsibility to protect yourself. Bookmark this page for future reference.
What I needed in the aftermath of this relationship was validation, information, and the next steps to take while I still couldn’t fully grasp what took place. You will need this. You’re not “self-prophesying” the fall of the relationship. Bookmark this page now.
If you are RECOVERING from a narcissistic relationship, in me you will find validation… it’s difficult for those who have not experienced this first-hand to understand from which you can simply “move on”. You will likely find a number of disturbing similarities in our stories – know that you are NOT ALONE. I send you my love, prayers, and support.
FINISHED… JUST LIKE THAT.
10.25.2017 – I discovered that my “best friend, soulmate, and love of my life” had been lying to cover up his cheating… just minutes after calling me for our daily prayer thanking God for the “privilege of our relationship.”
He sent me a text about an appointment with his accountant and asked to Facetime before we both headed out to begin our day. I thought nothing of it until he mistakenly sent me a text asking his “accountant” if he should stop at the store. I questioned this and he eventually admitted he met someone at his children’s school and HAD TO see where it goes.
He asked to CONTINUE with OUR relationship and to keep our plans and fly to Houston to visit him in December… while he pursue this new relationship… because he loves me.
I declined… we were DONE. Or so I thought.
MY REASON FOR LOOKING DEEPER INTO THIS
I am a mental/emotional wellness and breakup recovery coach (oh, the irony). It’s important you know I have the education, knowledge, and experience to efficiently handle these life situations – yet – I was blindsided. Where did my best friend go? I thought I was his perfect… so how is he suddenly gone from my world? And why is there someone else in my place – sharing his life… like our relationship never existed?
I was in a relationship with a NARCISSIST.
Serious damage to self-worth, self harm, and suicide can result from narcissistic relationships. Many victims suffer from C-PTSD/PTSD, Stockholm syndrome, cognitive dissonance and disassociation, and even misdiagnose themselves with borderline personality disorder because they’re unaware of what was done to them and have no idea how to deal with it…
- My ex kept our relationship secret… at first, claiming he wants to do a special “reveal” for the “Internet Marketing” circle we were both a part of because he believed everyone would go crazy over the two of us getting together. Of course, he kept coming up with new excuses, and it never happened. I’m now grateful he didn’t because “nobody knowing” allows me to share my experiences more freely and completely.
- I wanted so badly to show off my soulmate… he would’ve been highly celebrated for being THE ONE to finally give my heart the love it deserves. His fan-base would’ve blown up… BUT that would’ve multiplied his pool of potential victims. Thank God I didn’t contribute to such atrocity!
I took PLENTY of screenshots of his texts. Because we were long-distance, I relied more on his words than actions. Ironic, isn’t it? So when he did questionable things and my gut told me to be on guard, I turned to his loving messages. He seemed pleased that I found a way to self medicate.
- Before lecturing me about “actions being louder than words”… during idealization, the narc will put into action whatever it takes to become his target’s SOULMATE. When the relationship begin to deteriorate, his partner is left trying to get back that perfect relationship.
STAGE ONE: IDEALIZATION
The intoxicating stage where targets are constantly showered with declaration of love and affection. You feel completely supported, understood, loved, & admired in ways no one else ever made you feel. You’ve finally found your soulmate and forever love.
I’ve learned this stage is commonly referred to as the “love bombing” stage because the narc will figuratively “bomb” his target in as many ways as possible with love, affection, attention, presents and trips.
EVERYTHING about you will fascinate him and he will love every little part of who you are, what you do, and how you do everything… he will praise you all day and marvel about how blessed you both are for having so much in common… it’s like you’re the same person (mine said he’s… [ continue reading ]
(Following page includes some of the gifts I received, more love-texts, and his list of what he wants from his next partner…)
If you feel like you’re reaching the end of your rope with nowhere to turn, call the 24-hr National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 or the 24-hr Crisis Text Line by texting “HELP” to 741-741. In an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
P.S. Lemme know what you think!
Carmen is a mom, life strategist, religion teacher, best selling author, advice columnist, foodie wannabe, and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. She is currently living la vida loca in Vegas with her not-so-little human… prepping him for med school while pseudo-adulting, Tahitian dancing, and exploring the delicious world of bubble tea *woo!*